Breakup Mic Drop
It has been a bit over six months since my last relationship ended. And what a potent catalyst this ending became for growth and healing. Its biggest lesson was the absolute crumbs of relating I was holding onto with the hopes of being chosen and seen as worthy of love, acceptance and commitment. And so I poured my heart into my grief work with the help of the paint brush and my pen (and quite a few tear-filled nights).
No longer will I stay subdued, subservient and subjugated in my role as a woman. No longer will I keep quiet to keep the peace, don’t ask for too much, wait for my turn, constantly think about how my needs affect everyone else. No longer will I wait for permission. No longer will I sacrifice safety for connection.
My hope is these works inspire others to reclaim their voice and ultimately know that we are all inherently worthy of love :).
Love
The exhale in my shoulders
Fresh cut grass on my feet
The smell of hydrangeas
The smile of a sunflower
The swaying of the tree leaves
The nudge of a puppy's snoot
The sails of the wind
Push of a second thought
Calm of a heart beat
Laughter of the ocean
That's how your love
Felt to me
Reach You
Can I reach you?
In the depths of despair
Fires of rage running through your veins
The quiet shut lips
The scream of a thousand deaths
When today you are very hot
And tomorrow stone cold
When the sunflower's bright yellow
Starts to fade
When the echoes of other lovers
Ring in your ears
When today you say you love me
And tomorrow in front of her
You condemn me
When will it be my turn
Will it ever be my turn?
We can't have it all
A swirl of eternal emotional chaos
Illuminated by the darkness in your eyes
I feel you rip it straight out of my chest
Two arteries still pumping
While the hot fluid was melting down your palm
And with nothing but a cold stare and tightened fists
Smashed it down with those white sneakers
And yet all I could think about.... still worrying
About staining those perfectly powder white kicks
The ones you like to mix with all your outfits
I am unaware of the gaping hole in my chest
Or the bells chiming behind me that announce the end
Just super annoyed now that I stained your shirt
Was it my foundation that did it, what brand was hers
Did you send me to the same nail salon she went
Oh how you wished I was the perfect clone
So manicured, so poised
Yet all I could see was the rotten flesh
Of insecurities enveloping her breasts
Was this broken heart supposed to be placed there?
But I think you know, there's nothing there is it
If you really asked yourself you always knew
There was only a shallow hollow space
And yet Hope always dies last
At least that's how it ended up for me
And now that this little firecracker in my eyes
Is met with glass stained stares
Maybe that ripped heart of mine
You can still place it in her chest
And then you'll have your perfect new project
Because after all that's all you saw me as
A broken little girl who needed help
Not the resilient, brave woman still standing
And so I guess that's how this story ends
Because honey, remember we can't have it all.
Crevice
In that tiny crevice of light
Left in my heart
There are still the goosebumps
The words of sweet nothings
That want to alchemize this pain
Memories seem like a lifetime ago
My nose crinkled right below your neck
While seemingly I can’t squeeze you harder
The tears are filling up that crevice
The salt stinging and searing
I’m begging them to stop
But they won’t go away
I want so badly to fill the void
With booze, drugs, new flings, new lips
But I know this crevice is there to stay
It’s lesson is not over yet
Spring Board
Just as I’m about to jump off the cliff
Like a snake you pull the sling shot back
With those hissing sounds
I turn around stunned
For what seems like the 100th time
With a face of disgust
When will Iearn my lesson
When will I know that confiding anything in you
Throws gasoline to a raging fire
Sometimes this poison turns into flowers
Of self reflection and wisdom
But other times
It’s just the right amount of grief
To take me back to my childhood
This powerful hissing seems to always
Creep in my ears
And for a second I have the audacity
To demand you to let me go
Stop hindering my power
Stop shutting me up
Stop pressing on my vocal chords
Self-abandon is no longer an option
Choke on my stardust
Vomit on my rage
Scream on my anger directed at you
Just try not to dare silence me
One more time
But oh lover, no matter how hard you try
This time the spring loosened
And shot me far out into the light.
Reclamation
Please withdraw your projection
Your never ending cycles of overreaction
Your removal of attention
Your lack of presence and constant rejection
Your false promises of affection
Your heart apprehension
Your misguided interventions
Your angry deception
I am no longer bound
With constant confusion
I am finally free
Of your lying depression
Disguising the lack of introspection
I reclaim my time, my energy
I now own my redemption
And I would be remiss if I didn’t send gratitude to a dear friend that gave me this beautiful gift.
I will treasure it forever.
Untitled
Did they ask you to be less
And not accept you as you came
Did they say to pull it back
To play the game
So that they could hold the reigns
Asking fire not to burn
The arrogance
They never learn
But they convince
What a shame
If you did put out your flame
And make yourself
A little less
To fit within their lesser grasp
Their lesser gaze
That can't contain
All that you could ever be
But some will see
You
(In all of your)
Your majesty
And they will never ask
To pull it back
Or reign it in
And if you were left in the dark
They'll bring a spark
A little warmth
A little light
They'll strike a match
So they can see
You
