A new year to live in integrity
On this rainy cozy afternoon at our first Texas campground, I am taking time to reflect on this past year and think about my word for 2024. The word for 2023 was freedom. More specifically freedom from emotional addiction. Emotional addiction is defined as a dependency on stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol which spike during tense or conflictual relationships. I noticed this tendency in myself to latch onto people or situations that raise these hormones in me this year specifically as I delved more into my meditation and mindfulness practices. My journaling reflected back to me so much of the fears of abandonment and rejection that fueled this addiction. I was surrounding myself with people that triggered these familiar albeit negative feelings to find a false comfort or release.
As I observed these tendencies non-judgmentally in myself, I found myself less and less able to self-abandon in order to avoid rejection. I craved more stability and safety rather than insecurity, fear and doubt. My relationships were directly reflecting back to me the parts that I neglected in order to feel accepted and loved by other people. More specifically my modus operandi was as long as I’m needed, I don’t have to be rejected. When I keep quiet, I don’t have to be vulnerable. These defenses came out of a need of self-protection and preservation. So I learned how to not let my throat close up and speak up when I felt a boundary needed to be set or a need to be expressed. And miraculously so many people around whom I felt insecure, doubtful and unclear either showed up for me with compassion and understanding or naturally fell off the radar. I was putting to the test the true strength of these relationships and found myself surprised by some and disappointed by others. The other growing experience came when learning how to vet new people who came into my life. I used to be so keen on proving my worth that I totally forgot that not everyone is worthy of my investment of time and energy. I would overshare from an anxious place of wanting to be accepted, rather than allow the time for mutual trust to develop. Relentless loyalty and pleasing used to mean survival, but I realized I don’t have to live by these outdated survival strategies anymore.
The second area that I felt I was neglectful in was self-compassion. My daily simple 10 minute meditation and three page journaling really helped me reconnect with my creative side and allowed me to befriend all my feeling states without judgment, shame or blame. To be able to learn how to self-regulate and self-soothe has been life changing. Meditation has been shown to shrink the amygdala which is where our flight/fight responses come from. I really noticed a big difference in reduction of my emotional reactivity. Events that would usually trigger a strong physiological response that I would then assign a negative meaning to no longer have a strong foothold on my body. This practice also helped me bit by bit to learn how to enjoy my own company through contemplative activities like painting, making cover music on my ukulele or writing poetry again. I no longer feel the insecurity of singledom and being alone like I used to.
The third area I really tried to transform was my anger stuffing. I learned long time ago to keep quiet to keep the peace and avoid any consequences of confrontation. And again these maladaptive strategies were not working anymore. I learned that anger is not something to be afraid of, I learned to sit and breathe with my anger, I learned that anger reveals what’s important to me. I learned how to somatically process the anger from my body through movement and voice. I learned how to not deny my feelings and use the tools of non-violent communication to express a need or a boundary with those close to me. Conflict with the right people in my life no longer feels terrifying and like a death sentence. The fear of losing someone over speaking my truth is slowly diminishing out of my life.
And I have chosen the word for 2024 to be integrity. So much of my life has felt emotionally incongruent between what I feel, what I say and what I do. My emotional self-protective defenses are finally falling away. The egoic mask of seeking to feel better about myself by proving my worthiness to others and seeking approval is no longer serving me. This habit energy as it is called in buddhism brings suffering to myself and others around me. I have made a commitment to myself to speak my truth, even when my voice shakes, even if it might disrupt some relational or communal bonds. Instead of thinking what I can constantly give, I will consider what I’m also missing and what needs to be repaired.
In the new year I wish the same for you as well. I hope you treat yourself and others with kindness and respect. I hope you fill your love cup with things that nourish and sustain you. I hope you find peace within. I hope you have the courage to speak up. I hope you learn to fully love and accept yourself.
The way out, is in. - Thich Nhat Hanh
