Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road - Jack Kerouac
Here I am… on the road again… but this time, it’s for a while.
This dream has been in the works for over 4 years. I have wanted to be on the road and working in a campervan for a while now. It was a very slow progression of events, but one that I am grateful I had the patience to see to fruition. First it was purchasing the van in 2020. Then mid 2022 I finally secured a fully remote job. And in between there were so many preparations to be road ready. Initially I moved some pieces and finished the buildout to my taste with custom designing and building my own furniture pieces. Then it was multiple weekend trips with hours upon hours of research on how to prepare for living for extended periods of time. Afterwards came a two week trip that took me through seven national parks in both Canada and the USA. And finally came some much needed but small mechanical repairs that would make the van completely ready. And now, I am headed to my coworker in Florida for some training. I could not be happier that I have the opportunity to make it there this way.
Today I am settled in a cozy campground just outside of Eureka Springs, sipping my apple cider, typing up while staying cozy in bed with my fuzzy socks and wool headband. I’ve created an atmosphere of warmth on this balmy, foggy 30 degree day by lighting up a lemon scented candle and letting the warmth from my heater hit my toes. Ziggy is perched up in the front seat covered by a heavy blanket. He loves being able to see outside through the windows, but his eyes are falling heavy, being tired from a gorgeous hike we took by Leatherwood Lake this morning.
The purpose of my writing is twofold. First I want to capture all these amazing adventures on paper and share my (so far) triumphs and possible tribulations. But more importantly I want to show women that even if one has mental health challenges like the anxiety that constantly takes over my mind, one can still overcome and be present to life in all its forms.
In my life, I’ve been told by both close friends and complete strangers that I am strong, or brave, or bold. And to that I say in the background there is a lot of internal mental battles, worries, doubts and fears that take a lot of energy to tame and calm down. Here are a few of the intrusive thoughts that took over me when I started the trip:
what if I run out of gas and there’s no station close by
what if a warning light on my van comes on
what if I get there and there is no campsite left, I can’t get internet or I don’t have cell phone reception
what happens if I get stuck in the snow at the campground
what if Ziggy or I get sick
See anxiety is a bitch. Because it first riddles you with worst case scenarios, then tells you that you are all alone and you can’t ask for help. And then even if you do, the toxic shame compels you to a total halt. I know where these thoughts originated from and that they are trying to provide me with internal safety. But I also know that to shun them is to compound the shame I would already feel. Instead I thank them for being there. There is wisdom in anxiety. Through different healing modalities I’ve turned what I had always seemed as some inherent flaw in me into a blessing of sorts. It makes me a wonderful writer. It makes me a conscientious friend and partner. Because my anxiety means I am a sensitive being with so many gifts. And all I have to do is sit down with my anxiety to discover the next piece of the puzzle on my journey to self-actualization. As I have to constantly remind myself, healing is not linear. I have to come back to my tools each and every time, but it does get easier. I experience more grace in the darkness… I welcome more compassion in my heart for myself and others. And I also know I have all the support to work through any challenges that come my way.
For today, I am grateful for all the ways my anxiety prepared me for every single detail for the trip so that I can joyfully experience so much bliss exploring Eureka Springs with Ziggy. Yesterday we went to the coolest coffee shop called Brews while walking around town. We then made sure to stop by the springs and also grab a squeaky ball from the local pet store. This morning we finished a gorgeous hike by the lake where Ziggy took a photo with Big Foot. And this evening I will be headed to the only open local pub called Rowdy Beaver to watch the AFC championship game. I am ending today’s post with some photos and a great reminder….
It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves. - Edmund Hillary
